Thursday, November 3, 2011

sometimes TV shows are jerks and running can't fix everything

Sometimes television shows are jerks, and they don't even mean it.  Hubby and I watch about eight shows/week.  We DVR them then snuggle up on the couch and have little marathons.  We love 'our shows'.   NCIS, NCIS LA, Criminal Minds, The Mentalist, Dancing with the Stars, Biggest Loser.  We've even added 2 more shows, Up All Night and Modern Family.  As you can see, some shows are about crimes and detective work, some are light and entertaining and some are just flat our hilarious.  The entertainment value is priceless, taking our minds off of the daily grind is always a good thing.

Last night we watched Criminal Minds (one of my favorites), and as usual, it was fairly gripping, twisted and dark.  Hello?  The name says it all.  There were two story lines in the show, one was the bad guy and how he had previously had a terrible after death experience.  The second story line was how a long divorced couple were reunited ... only, she was dying of a terminal disease.  She wanted to die on her own terms, so she took a bottle of pills, and laid her head on her former husband and barely muttered a question to him.   "Do you think he'll be there?"  He held her tight and he was quietly crying, then he assured her, "Yes, I know he'll be there."

Next scene, cemetery.  He is sitting by two headstones, one is hers.  The other is their son - born and died on the same day some thirty years earlier.

My husband grabs my hand and squeezes it so tight, and we both just sit there, choking for air, tears falling, not able to say a word.  We weren't expecting that, clearly.  It took us each a good fifteen minutes to regain composure and to go on with the night.  It wasn't so much the headstone of the baby but more the question of the mother "will he be there?"  

We know this is how we both will meet our son and daughter.  In the afterlife.  And I know seven years after losing our first baby, the pain is still so raw and real.   I want to think of them all the time, but it's hard to.  So, when a silly weekly tv show rocks my foundation of cope,  I know it's time for me to think of them again, and, I will.

I will wonder how tall Jonathan would have been and imagine the color of Grace's hair.  In my mind they are the closest of friends, never separating, always smiling and happy.  I will picture the bedrooms they will never have and wonder if they miss us as much as we miss them.   I hope they are happy and warm.  I hope great-grandparents are reading them stories, and hugging them tight.  I long to hear their sweet voices.  To smell their hair, watch them play.

For now, they are forever in my heart, so close yet so far.  I won't ask the question "will they be there?"  because I already know "they will."

this stone is in my pond landscaping, it makes my heart swell when I see it


  1. This is so brave and raw and real. I cannot imagine how that show hit you and your husband, but I am thankful you were by each other's side and not watching it alone. You are so strong, Lori. They will be there. They ARE there right now and they must be so very proud of their mom.

  2. Oh my goodness... I am sitting here at my computer, my heart aching and tears falling for you. What a profound moment... thank you for sharing.

  3. That show rocked me, too. I'm so sorry that you had a reason to write this but I'm so glad that you did write it. xoxo

  4. TEARS. I hate how shows can make a seemingly innocent (TO THEM moment) rock us to the core.
    I cant even imagine how hard it is to wait for that moment when you will really see how they've been doing...
    Thank you for being so raw and real...

  5. It is a terrible thing that you ever had to have this feeling. But it's a wonderful thing that you still love these children of yours so much that a reminder of them brings you to tears.

    Also: this post is a jerk. Thanks a lot. ;)

  6. Love, love, love you all. Prayers for peace and comfort for you always. *hugs* Jonathan and Grace are forever a part of our wonderful family and will never be forgotten. I know your Grandparents are with them and loving them so much!! Love you, Lori Lou <3

  7. Thanks, EVERYONE for taking the time and reading this jerky blog today ;) It's a hard moment to face when you feel like you have your feelings under control, then realize that in fact, you do not. It was a rough night and morning but guess what? My blogging 'helped' and my running was just what I needed.

    Much love to you ALL. xoxox.

  8. I think this post hit me kind of like the show unexpected but as soon as you started telling the story line, I knew who you were talking about and instantly thought of Jonathan and Grace. My heart hurts for you guys so much and for our family, but I too like to think of them hanging out together, watching their Mommy and Daddy and hanging out with Grandparents. They are there and someday will be reunited with you two, there's no doubt about that. Love you guys.

  9. Thank you, Amy. That made me smile and my eyes watery all at the same time :)

    p.s. So many people watch that show! I had no idea.

  10. <3 This made me cry. I just want to give you a hug.

  11. Such a touching post. I have no doubt that Grace and Jonathan and James and Jake will be in our lives some day along with all the other little ones that started and ended their earthly journeys with us. And they'll be special blessings that will make us completely forget the pain of losing them during this earthly sojourn.